Hi, It's been five days since my last confession

I am still pondering on the thought of once a co-dependent, always a co-dependent. I have been thinking of the Addiction Anonymous organizations. I have actually attended a few sessions here and there for different ones but was never ever able to feel like that was for me.

I remember as a child going through catechism school and how they taught us about confession. That's where I came up with this title - memories of confessing my many sins to this man in a box. I really thought that I was an awful sinner back then. Boy was I naive. I had no clue about life. But again, I didn't feel that this was what was my direction. I remember the sister/teacher telling me that I had to pray to my patron saint. She said that Saint Nicholas was my patron saint because that was the saint of children. I just couldn't figure out why I had to pray to a saint that would then go to the other of Jesus to talk about my requests. Mary would then talk to Jesus about my problems and Jesus would finally take my request to the Father who would then make a decision and let Jesus know to tell Mary to tell my patron saint to tell me the answer of my petition. I really thought that was a lot of extra work and decided to skip the middle man and go straight to the man in charge. It seemed to make sense to this little seven year old girl. I thought if I wanted something from my dad, I would ask my dad. If I wanted something from my Nana, I would ask her. Why not talk to the Creator of the world.

To this day, I feel that I have a direct line to God; although for many years through my own history, I feel that it has wavered. My love for God did not waiver, but my belief that we can petition Him directly instead of going through the chain of command.

I understand the chain of command and at work I will talk to my direct supervisor before I go above his head. If I have a problem with someone, I will go to them first before the supervisor. But I think where God is concerned, He is our direct link.

The blessings of co-dependency

I know it has been a long time since my last entry. My life has changed so much and it has changed me. I see things with a different perspective and I suppose when you start to look at your mortality, that is going to happen. I  have started looking at what I am leaving behind.

My first husband passed away and when cleaning up and going through his things, I started thinking the thought that is this all that life sums up to be. What is left behind?

I like my new position. It makes me feel like I am doing something that is worthwhile.

I thought I have broken the co-dependent cycle but I was talking to one of my coworkers about the recent empty nest I am experiencing. This co-worker and I have never talked about co-dependency and she knows very little about my life. I made the comment about how strange it was to not have my kids around. My house is so quiet now and there is not as much to do. I have always had a lot to do, sometimes overwhelming. It was then that she made that comment that I sounded like a co-dependent person, that I always needed something to take care of and nurture.

At that moment I realized that being a co-dependent was not something that you just 'get over'. I had thought that I had broken the cycle. And to some degree, maybe I have. I had left my first husband and moved in a different direction. But I started to wonder if I was really free of co-dependency. I may have left and moved on, but truly, my personality was still the same. I was still taking care of my son, actually doting on him the attention that I use to give all the kids. He wanted for nothing.

My personality is one of a nurturer. I will forever what to take care of someone or something. I think I need to embrace that idea and learn to use it for the better things. I don't think it is bad to be a co-dependent, just like ADHD is not a handicap.  I need to find the blessings of being co-dependent.

There is no Can't unless you choose it

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well.

I have read that this was in reference of a wife that was not faithful to her husband.

But could there be another hidden meaning:
Peter had a wife that he did not want to assert herself.

Do we know someone that will not assert their own thoughts to the people that are closest to them? For so many years, there are so many people that give in to someone because of so many reasons: they don't want to make waves, they feel that they are doing the right thing, they have lived a life of not being able to assert themselves due to their home life, and this list goes on. 

Now is the time for all to embrace their inner beliefs and not just sit back and let someone run over them. I am not saying that we need to just run over the feelings of others, but we do need to stop believing that we can't do it, just because someone has told us that we can't. There is no can't unless you allow it.

His blade cuts deep

The blade felt cold in my hand as I held it, fidgeting with it as he railed on the errors of my ways. How could I be so stupid? He pointed out the problems with my logic and reminded me of how lucky I was to have someone who would put up with my fumbles in life. "You are not that stupid and yet you act so stupid." I didn't get the meaning. I didn't think I was stupid. I had just graduated at the top of my class. I got scholarships to pay for it so it didn't have to come out of the family budget. I continued to work and bring money into the household through what ever side job I could get. I managed our business and worked around the clock. I taught our children at home and they have become highly intelligent, hard working individuals who were resourceful and studious. If I was so stupid, then how did I pull off the things I did.

He continued to go on in correcting me in the error of my thinking. I fidgeted with the blade as he continued his speech. It was verbatim almost to the number of minutes paused after each point to allow his reprimand to hit home. The blade was shiny and my glance often followed the reflection of light on the walls of the bedroom. It was no longer cold as it had been in my hands for some time now as he continued his battery of words.

I no longer heard a word he was saying. I didn't even feel anything at all. I was aware of what was going on around me but it didn't even phase me anymore. He slapped me but really, I didn't feel that. I was aware of his hand as it touched my face, but there was no feeling in my face. Was I dreaming? Was I just lost in my thoughts of memory? That I could not tell.

I continued to fidget with the knife as he continued. I did not smell his breath when he got in my face or feel the spit from his mouth as it rolled down my face. He pointed out the hole in the bathroom wall and asked me why did I do that? I must have looked puzzled because before I could open my mouth to say that I did not put the hole in the wall, he shouted at me that my mouth was what caused it. If I could ever learn to keep my mouth shut when being reprimanded then, he continued, we would not have so many holes in the walls. I did know that there was nothing that I could do or say to prove my innocence in any of these situations. Even the kids would tell me later, after he had left for us to contemplate the evil of our ways and correct our misgiving, 'Mom, you know just to keep your mouth shut. It won't make a difference.'

Today was not much different than any other day other than I felt absolutely nothing. His words, the names, even his hands could not be felt. I looked at the knife and began to wonder if there was anything at all that I could feel. The blade when placed against the skin of my arm was not cold or warm. I did not feel it either. He continued with his anger and directed another question towards me. I did not hear it at first so he repeated it. "I don't know how to deal with you except for my anger. You give me no choice. You have tied my hands. Anger is all that I have left to try to fix you. Do you understand how bad that makes me feel? Why do you want to make me feel like such a bad person?" Again, I was not sure that I understood him. I was not pushing him to yell and scream and punch the walls. I had thought that maybe if I was a better person that he would never have to get angry, but that can never be since I never know what is going to make him upset. If I bring him a cup of coffee to the bedroom, he will criticize that I should have left it in the living room. If I leave it by his chair in the living room, he will ask why I didn't bring it to him in the bathroom. There was never a way to please.

I took the blade and ran its point from the inside of my wrist to the bend of my elbow. It was not very hard and only left a faint red line trailed along the path. I looked at the red line, noticing its smoothness for the entire length. He continued his rant.

Still not listening to his words or feeling his anger, I took the blade again and traced the first line. I still did not feel the smoothness of the blade as I followed the previous red line. It did not hurt either and I thought that was very strange. If I did not feel the pain then this must have been a dream. I will eventually wake up from this crazy dream.

The second cut was not as smooth as the first. There were areas that a slight bit of blood was beginning to form on the surface. I was staring at the beads of blood on my arm and wiped at them expecting to see them wipe away. I touched my arm with the back of my hand and felt the blood. It smeared. I looked at it and didn't really understand what I was seeing. He had not noticed my preoccupation with my arm and I knew that he would address the issue of me not giving him my undivided attention while he corrected my bad behavior.

At some point he did finally notice that I had run the blade across my arm and snapped at me, "What do you think you are doing?" He used more colorful words through this entire dialog that I didn't feel necessary to write on the pages. He took my arm in his hand and looked at the bleeding line. By this time, there had been one more cut, much deeper, along the line of the previous two cuts. The blood was beginning to flow, but as before, I did not feel it and kept looking at it as if it were someone else. I looked into his eyes as he again said how stupid I was to do this to my arm. What would people think of him if they saw the wound. It is going to take a while to heal and we had a conference to attend to and now that I had cut this long gash in my arm, how would I explain it.

He threw my arm down and at me. "You are so stupid. If you're going to kill yourself, then please do it in a manner that is less obvious. You embarrass me.

I had no intentions of hurting myself. I wasn't thinking that I was going to die. I just was so numb that I just wanted to know if I could feel anything at all. If I couldn't feel anything, as it seemed was the case here, then this must be a very bad dream and that, by cutting my arm, should wake me. I wanted to wake up and no longer be in this nightmare.

Tami McConnell is spot on

In my experience (having been married to one for almost 15 years)…this is what I know. Any victim like myself who has spent a great deal of time in this kind of marriage finds themselves to where we are EXPECTED to read their mind and act accordingly to what THEY would want us to do… which is whatever they (in all their perfection) would do. To survive, you get very good at it and learn to predict their thoughts, reactions, and triggers alike. So you find you spend a great deal of time inside their head…to avoid their wrath, you have learn to think like THEY do.

Many people assume from the name “narcissist” that these people are in love with themselves, arrogant, etc. In reality, a narcissist loves noone BECAUSE they actually have a very deep inner loathing of themselves. I know that sounds contradictory compared to their outward behavior ..and in many ways narcissists are nothing if NOT a mass of contradiction. They loathe happiness (in all of its forms) especially in others, because they themselves are never truly happy. They at some point learned to despise all they don't or cannot have. (When the deep envy of a narcissist turns ugly, and it always does, it's always in the form of disgust, hatred, and loathing of whatever it is). No amount of admiration, praise, attention, etc makes them “happy” in anything other than an instantaneous way, and then it's gone just as quickly. This drives their rage…always chasing what always seems to elude them. Nothing is ever enough, good enough, or “right”. Perfection or utter failure, there is no in between.. No amount of material possessions, money, sex, etc ever satisfies them.

The malignant narcissist is sadistic. They consciously enjoy putting people in pain and this will manifest in various ways…they will try to destroy other people's relationships as cruelly as they do their own…they will be sexually sadistic, they will be intentionally cruel at every opportunity that presents itself, or even fabricate a reason to do so if needed…their love and need for constant drama will allow them to fabricate such events and justify it through the “gossip mill” that swirls around them at all times. They can be paranoid and delusional, always on guard for any hint of a possible “threat” (real or imagined). If the threat they perceive fails to manifest even in the teensiest of ways, they will push the situation to create a reaction that will “validate” that the threat is real and retribution, revenge, and punishmrnt are all “in order”. This can make them extremely volatile and even violent and utterly destructive to themselves and everyone close to them.

The dual mirror is extremely obvious with a malignant narcissist. Not only do they want to reflect all of your good qualities to everyone else, they want you to be a true reflection of all they see and view in themselves…which in a word, is PAIN. They need to blame someone for all of this hatred and anger and rage and loathing they feel…by turning you into a mirror of all that is inside of them (the actual cause of their pain is themselves)…it justifies their ruthless devaluation, torture, and brutal discard thinking “now, the problem is gone because YOU are the cause of all of this”. But it isn't, and so the cycle repeats with someone else.

These things are very difficult to describe in words. But in all honesty, I'd rather try to describe it, than you to ever have to experience it.

Tami McConnell on Quora

Crushed Heart of another survivor

I told him yesterday that I wanted a divorce. That was not the first time I told him. It was just that this time I was asking him if he would sign in agreement. We had a long emotional conversation in which I learned of his intense hatred towards me/for me because I did not want to have any more children after Noleen and that I went and got the IUD on my own. I cannot remember all of the details of that period of time, I just remember the deep hurt when he expressed his disappointment when we found out I was having a girl instead of a boy. That cut to the quick as did many other things.

It all makes sense now, his feelings towards me, the anger, the resentment, his feelings of powerlessness with me. I never intended on him feeling that way, I was trying to protect my own self too much of the time. It has been an ugly cycle of hurt and rejection and misunderstanding from the beginning and now the damage is done.

I now know that my feelings that he did not love me were dead on. He did not find me attractive or anything because of how he felt towards me. I am not angry, I am relived and hurt and wounded and ready to move on to healing all at the same time. To stay with him, even if I were to have his boy, would cause greater resentments and hurt in me, feeling that I had been used for another purpose other than he just loved me because I am me. I never had that with him. To just be loved. It was and still is, if I do this I can earn his love, if I do these specific things and make him happy, he will feel aroused for me. I am okay with being out of this very unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationship.

I have the day off and I am going to research how to get my divorce petition written up. If I had the money I would pay the lawyer and go from there. I do not have the whole $750 plus $500 for filing fees. I need for God to provide.

Narcissus, The man, the myth, the legend

There once was a deity in Greek mythology who was a very handsome hunter. His beauty was known and appreciated by many.

His father was known as Cephissus, a God of the river. He was strong and bold as the Boeotia river that flows through Attica in Central Greece. He was considered brave and strong just like the ravenous river that he was god of his reign.

Cephissus' parents, Pontus, a sea god of the Black Sea, and Thalassa, also known as Nepture and a sea goddess in her own right were known by many in their time. As typical of many children that are born of over bearing gods that have given too much privilege to their offspring without responsibility or accountability, this god was just as spoiled. He was cared for to the extent that he could no longer see the needs of others and desired to feed his own needs exclusively. This river god, Cephissus, believed that he could have anything his heart, or flesh, desired.

There was a daughter of a lesser known river god that took Cephissus' breath away. He thought of this beautiful flower often and was consumed by his need to have her. He looked upon her beauty until he could no longer suppress the strength of his needs and so he took Liriope who was so beautiful to behold. Her name meant Face of the Narcissus, and she was as beautiful as the lilys that bloom.

Time passed and this beautiful flower delivered a beautiful baby boy. This boy grew to be more handsome and strong. He was proud of his looks and his strength. So proud that he began to disdain those around him that loved him. He deserved so much more than their adoration.

There was a woman named Echo who fell deeply in love with Narcissus. His looks were beyond anything she had ever seen ever. She followed him as she could not take her eyes off of him. He sensed her following him and called out to her. Eventually Echo revealed herself to him and told him how he was the most handsome man she had ever seen and she attempted to embrace him. Narcissus would have no part of it and pulled away from her. He chastised her and broke her heart as there was no other that she could love as she does him. She lived the rest of her life in loneliness and misery, pining away for his affection.

Narcissus was sought after by male suitors as well. This particular young man was discarded like so many before him. This time, Narcissus gave him a sword in which the young man used to kill himself on the doorstep. He prayed to the gods to teach Narcissus a lesson for all the pain that he had caused to many.

Nemesis was a vicious goddess of revenge and she learned of the pain that Narcissus was causing people with his beauty. She decided that he needed to be taught a lesson and punished for the pain he inflicted on so many. She lured him by a pond that was as clear as a mirror, reflecting his image back at him. He noticed that reflection and immediately fell in love with his own reflection. He starred at himself for a long time and upon realizing that this love that he felt for his own image could never be reciprocated in return, Narcissus decided to take his own life for he could not see how he could exist.

It is this end that was foretold by Teiresias to his parents when they desired to know of his future. He told them that Narcissus would only grow old provided that 'he did not get to know himself'. According to legend, Narcissus is still admiring himself in the underworld where he can long for the attention of his reflection but never receive the love and admiration of that reflection.






 causing

Wounds

There are things in life that wound me. One thing that has wounded me in my marriage is sex. Such a beautiful, tender, lovely, warm and exciting thing...designed to bring two people together laced with intimacy and connection and the deepest, warmest feelings can cut like a razor and lacerate when something is missing.

Intimacy and connection have been missing all of my marriage. I didn't know what it was at first, I just knew that I had such deep pain from day one. I wanted an annulment the second day and I realized I could not get one. Then three months later, I decided I would just divorce. I decided that I could not do it anymore. Then the next day I found out I was pregnant with Biggie and cried and cried because it, this new event was going to complicate my plans.

I am glad I have stayed this long but staying any longer is going to do more damage to me than good. I am hurting in so many ways that I thought I had stopped hurting. I thought the wounds were done and over with, healed and I had accepted and was just going on. But they have not. They are still there, they still happen over and over like a stabbing knife and I know why I keep going back to get hurt. My desire for connection and intimacy is greater than my fear of the pain.

I go back to him for sex, but I am looking for a deep emotional connection. I am looking for love that just is not going to happen. I am looking for something that will last and flourish. I am looking for the water in the desert only to find it is a shining mirage.

Can he change?

You will be the sun and moon to this person. You will be their hero. But with that privilege comes a great responsibility. They will keep you on the pedestal so long as you keep up with the things that they need from you. You once thought that this pedestal was a good place to be and knew that you will one day get the appreciation that you deserve for selflessly giving up of yourself. You smile at the insults because you know that he really doesn't mean what he says. He is just frustrated with stress. You are thrown off balance by his gifts and finally realize that most of those gifts are just things that he liked, not necessarily things that you liked, such as clothes or perfumes that he wanted you to wear. He buys you gifts that he wants, like maybe a kayak or two. You begin to wonder where the benefit is for you in staying in this relationship and you begin to pull away.

As you pull away, he begins to devalue you and drain you. Often he disappears or gives you the silent treatment. He took you off the pedestal and you don't know what happened to make him so evil towards you. The answer to that is that you are no longer giving him the supply of admiration that he wants. You are no longer building him up as you once did earlier in the relationship.

You find that he has another supply of admiration and he goes to her for that support. She tells him how handsome he is and how smart and clever. She tells him how she understands and needs him and only she can fill this void he has. She gives him the admiration that he so craves and tells him how he is doing the right thing. He would eat up the attention that she is giving him because he is selfish. He needs that more than anything else in the world.

When she begins to get tired of filling this need, she may become a little more distant and start telling him that he needs to get help or something that he considers as being less than perfect. He cannot handle being less than perfect. He needs someone to affirm that he is right and he is great. He comes back to his old source of validation and praise. In his mind, he has punished her enough and she will be happy to have him back by her side and will fulfill his need for praise.

Don't do it. Don't take him back. The cycle will not change. He will not change. As hard as it is to do, stay with NO CONTACT. Be thankful for the other source of validation that he has. It is this other source that will give you the time to heal. Don't let him come back to you. He may try. But eventually he will return to the other supply or find another. You are worth so much more than that. You are strong and amazing and your light can shine for others.

Chaotic timing

I just had that dream that I posted in the previous entry. I just found a piece of writing that was assigned to us in the San Joaquin Valley Writing Project. We were to describe our lives. I compared mine to a circus.

My life is a circus. It is a constant performance, and I am juggling various acts.

Johnny hasn’t had his breakfast, Willi needs help with homework, Caitlyn is dressing the chickens, Kenny shoes are untied, Michael has disappeared (again), Sean is chasing the cat, Brent is scaring the younger kids, Kevin is complaining (always complaining).

How do I keep up with all of these children?

I walk across the sawdust ground and look up to see the high flying trapeze acts. I am mesmerized.

These are my days of navigating the legos on the floor and washing clothes and feeding children. I am amazed at the disasters these kids come up with.

How do they think of all the things that they do?

I am the ringmaster of my life. I am in charge. I take the whip in my hand and control everything around me that I am capable of controlling.

I am no longer at the mercy of a someone’s whim. I know that I can walk away if it is what is best for me. I no longer  submit myself to someone else’s morals.

How could I have been so gullible?

As I walk across the tightrope, I have no fear for I have a safety net to catch me when I fall. I know that I am not invincible and this net is there for a reason.

The safety net I have is that of my family and friends who are there to support me when it is necessary and help to celebrate my successes.

How could I survive without my loved ones?

I keep the circus within alive, always going, always smiling, not taking life too seriously,

I know that it will work out in the end. I smile at the little things, enjoy the experiences and when the circus tents are packed up and leaving, I will miss the days of the hustle and bustle of our circus days.

How I miss those wonderful days.

Chaotic dream - Just like real life

As we were getting our children ready to go to a conference, I struggled with getting all of them bathed and dressed. My husband was sitting in the car waiting for us to 'get our act together' and his frustration was obvious. We finally made our way to the car. I noted that my beautiful hair that I had worked on earlier was now a disheveled mess. I struggled to put it back together as we made it to a parking lot. My husband disappeared. I looked around and I was struggling to get all of our things together. Gracefully (not), I kept dropping things as they slipped from my hands. My arms became more full as the moments passed. I looked towards the direction that we had to walk to get inside the conference. It was a very long walk and really it looked vaguely familiar but mostly different like I had not been there before. There were drivers of trams offering to drive the participants to this particular conference and since I was a bit unsure of where I was going exactly, I caught a ride. I knew that once I got there, all things would be clear and I would know where I am at and how to get back to the car. I was still struggling with all the things I was carrying. As the tram continued on the journey from the parking lot to the conference door, more people boarded and still nothing looked familiar. I overheard some people talking about the price of the entrance to the event and was wondering if I had enough money. I ran into someone who gave me an envelope for some work or participation that I was involved in. I didn't open the envelope because I was still having a hard time holding onto everything. As we got closer and I was looking for my envelope to see if I had enough to pay for the trip, I found that I had lost it. I dropped everything and started to pick it up and found some tickets that would pay for the entrance. It seemed that those tickets belonged to someone else but I still hung onto them as I had no other way to get in. I saw my husband in the distance. He was socializing with friends and had a big smile on his face. I was frustrated with trying to get there and dropping things as I went. I looked down at my feet and noticed that now I had lost my beautiful shoes. Where did they go? I just had them on.

This was my dream last night. It was such a typical chaotic event that was something that we all experienced all too often. It seemed that I was always struggling to keep things together, make appearances that all was wonderful, and living up to the expectations that I tended to fall short of on every occasion. In a way it feels that not much has changed. I am still trying to make sense of all the things that are falling apart around me. I am taking care of the mundane tasks of tying up all the lose ends that my husband has left behind. The nice things out of all this is that this will hopefully be the last time that I have to clean up after him.

Family Rules

It is very exhausting to keep all these rules in mind, but it does make for a somewhat peaceful life. Or does it?

• Never publicly embarrass him or do silly things that most kids do like pee on the lawn of the church or drink out of the gutter after a heavy rain.
• Do not point out anything they do, say, are, that might be anything other than perfect. He has the experience that we do not have and does not be questioned. When we are more experienced, then we will understand.
• Never compare them to someone else in an unflattering light. He is nothing like anyone else and it is best not to confuse the two or compare.
• Do not talk to them about your negative feelings in response to anything they have said or done. Your feelings need to be educated and you need to accept the lesson he has give us.
• Avoid getting angry or upset with them for anything. He was put in our life to make us better human beings.
• Do not outshine them in some way. You can pursue your dreams but do not surpass. If you surpass him, then you will have to be bested in another way.
• Listen to anything they say. Everything has meaning. If it wasn't important, then he would not have said it.
• Mirror everything they say. You need to emulate him in all actions because that is the best and most efficient way to be.
• Act as if everything he says and does is brilliant and you appreciate and admire him at all times because he is the authority.
• Never criticize the leader of the family. We are under his umbrella of authority and to criticize him would be to take the risk of no longer being under his protection.
• What happens in this house in private stays in this house and stays private. Do not ever discuss anything whatsoever to anyone about anything.

How to tell the end is near in your relationship?

I think back to our three decade relationship and try to find the warning signs. Some of the most recent signs were when the relationship was coming to an end. It was not until there was a source of attention that these signs started showing, but when they did show up, the end was very near.

He gave us less of his attention and became very cold and distant. Often when we went out for dinner, he was on his phone either texting or on social media.

We started to irritate him even with the activities that we once enjoyed. Our costal drives and talks now became silent and often just disagreements and fighting.

We were never good enough. Everything we did was criticized.

He was bored and had no problem displaying how boring we were to him.

We were always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Our opinions did not matter. Whatever we said was uneducated. It was his idea or no idea.

He refused to listen to anything we said.

He would respond to our comments with questions, refusing to acknowledge anything or answer any questions.

He would walk out of our lives and refuse to talk to us for days on end. One of the kids when very young use to count how many weeks it had been since their dad talked to them.

He projected everything he did onto us. We were told we didn't care, that we were not listening to him, that we had turned others against him. 

If you see the warning signs then plan your exit. What can you lose out of being prepared? If things actually work out, which I tend to doubt, then you are more independent. If you get out, then you will be glad you had a plan. Without the plan, where would we be?

How did I get here?

They were out of town and heading home. It was a day like any other day. Stopping at a favorite brewery, she looked for a nearby hotel to stay the night. Traveling home is going to be extremely difficult. She paid the bill and waited for him to return from the restroom. A man came up to her and touched her elbow. "I hate to bother you." She turned thinking it was someone trying to hit on her. "Excuse me, but I think that the man that was with you is in the restroom and needs your help." I thank him as I fear the worst possible outcome. I rush to the restroom only to find him passed out on the toilet. It truly was a day just like any other. Maybe with him passed out it would be much easier to just drive home. He will probably sleep the entire trip home.

So tired and at the urging of the man at the bar who took the money for their bill, she decides to stay at a local hotel and then head home in the morning.

She stopped at the hotel, paid for the room and carefully got him up to the room. He was irritable as he often is when he drinks. She got him to bed and silenced his cell phone. She had been calling and texting him constantly. You would think that her marriage would suffer from all the time she spends with him, but her wife seems to be good with it.

He woke up angry and yelling at her. He started yelling "RAPE" and she placed her hand over his mouth to stop his screaming. He continued yelling so she took a pillow to place it over his face to muffle the sound. He kept screaming and thrashing. It was at this moment that she thought how easy it would be to suffocate him. It was at that moment that she realized that she had to get out. She was losing herself in this situation. She no longer felt that she was herself.

The police were called. This was the second time this month that they were called out on him. She was so thankful that she hadn't smothered him now. The fact that she even let the thought cross her mind told her that it was time for her to move on or she would not survive.

What can happen if you stand up to him?

Fear is different for everyone but the narcissist's fear is not the same. They are not necessarily afraid of you unless you have some evidence to be able to prove your side of the story. If you have been controlled by someone for a while and then finally stand up for yourself, they may react as the victim now. This is only another way of controlling the situation. They have pushed you until they have a reaction and now they can play the victim and project everything on you. 

Getting you to react was the goal, as now they can play victim of the big, bad wolf. Again, they do not fear you when you stand up to them unless you have information that will support your claims. They are generally confident and like a big upset bear, but when faced with direct confrontation, they can crumble and it becomes a game to destroy the victim with talking about them, lying to others about them, projecting what they did to their victim as though they were the one that received the abuse.

Run from them and absolutely - Go no contact. If you have no contact then you will take away the fuel that they will have to use against you. 

Do not engage with them unless you have hard evidence. The only thing this type of person fears is being exposed. They don't fear you, they fear that people may believe you. When you talk to people, they don't want to hear the cold facts, they are listening to the sob, emotional story. So really it is a mistake to talk to others about your controller unless you are willing to go through the court system and that is emotionally draining. 

An attorney told me recently that they are representing more and more cases that involve a narcissist. I asked if these situations were becoming more known or if there were truly more incidents out there. The response was that there appears to be more narcissists out there and that we have a generation of entitled people out there that has helped to develop these people. 

This type of person is not going to fear you for standing up to them. They do not feel in the same way that we would expect them to feel. They are more concerned with their supply, their next fix. Just like a drug, that is what controls their actions.  Get free of them as soon as you can and move on.

I love him so why does it have to happen?

They were out of town and heading home. It was a day like any other day. Stopping at a favorite brewery, she looked for a nearby hotel to stay the night. Traveling home is going to be extremely difficult. She paid the bill and waited for him to return from the restroom. A man came up to her and touched her elbow. "I hate to bother you." She turned thinking it was someone trying to hit on her. "Excuse me, but I think that the man that was with you is in the restroom and needs your help." I thank him as I fear the worst possible outcome. I rush to the restroom only to find him passed out on the toilet. It truly was a day just like any other. Maybe with him passed out it would be much easier to just drive home. He will probably sleep the entire trip home.

So tired and at the urging of the man at the bar who took the money for their bill, she decides to stay at a local hotel and then head home in the morning.

She stopped at the hotel, paid for the room and carefully got him up to the room. He was irritable as he often is when he drinks. She got him to bed and silenced his cell phone. She had been calling and texting him constantly. You would think that her marriage would suffer from all the time she spends with him, but her wife seems to be good with it.

He woke up angry and yelling at her. He started yelling "RAPE" and she placed her hand over his mouth to stop his screaming. He continued yelling so she took a pillow to place it over his face to muffle the sound. He kept screaming and thrashing. It was at this moment that she thought how easy it would be to suffocate him. It was at that moment that she realized that she had to get out. She was losing herself in this situation. She no longer felt that she was herself.

The police were called. This was the second time this month that they were called out on him. She was so thankful that she hadn't smothered him now. The fact that she even let the thought cross her mind told her that it was time for her to move on or she would not survive.

Love is strange. But love does not have to hurt those around us.

This was written by another survivor.

I am feeling weird. For the first time in my life I feel like I am making some progress in my emotional healing. I guess there are many unaddressed issues. He brought it up to me that everything is not ok on his end with me. He mentioned something about me not wearing his ring and I said I was not going to until he apologized. Then he started saying some things about me always laying down the law and him feeling like a whipped puppy and I’m holding the newspaper. That is not the case. But I do feel like I need to have the upper hand because I am afraid of him controlling me.

I am still afraid of him abusing me. I am still afraid that I will become comfortable with him and that he will start the verbal abuse again or I will just get used to it again as soon as I let down my guard.

I believe that I love him. I know that I care about him. I want to work on our marriage. I didn’t know that having a love relationship and a partner would be such an emotionally treacherous journey. I wonder if it would be like this if I were with someone else.

I want to keep confronting the things in my life that I feel are bothering me or stopping me in my growth. I kind of hold back at group therapy when he is there. I feel afraid to address the things about him because I don’t really know how to address them. I can only bring things up that I am aware of. There are probably so many things within myself that I am unaware of.

Like this issue with my daughter. She has been acting difficult and angry and I feel alone in my parenting. He doesn’t see that part it just seems like he relishes in the fact that she is angry at me maybe because he identifies with it. I wonder if I should even say anything. What is going to happen is I am going to shut down to him again and look for a way out. That’s what I always do when I feel trapped and cornered. I don’t want to keep on doing that. I want to settle down and be happy.

Why do I even entertain the thought of going to lunch with this other man? Am I still not happy in my marriage that I would look at that? I guess I don’t trust that my marriage or my relationship with him will really pan out. It never has and I don’t have anything to go off of except the fact that he is going to counseling and seems to be trying. I don’t even feel like going out to dance and drink and put myself out there. I feel like curling into a comfortable ball and just being me.

I guess I need to address the issue of me cheating with him. I don’t know why I did that. I guess if I keep asking ‘why’ I will keep on defending my position. Maybe if I just tell him he will just hate me and get away from me. I did it for the same reasons I have always done it – trade sex for a feeling of love. I always equated it with love, just to have those moments of feeling like I am the center of someone’s world and I am important to them, so important that everything stops – time, appointments, distractions, whatever. But then it ends and life goes on.

I still need God. I need Him in my soul. I feel like I am rushing to get some type of answer by going to church. Maybe I should go to church somewhere else so I can go on this journey alone.


I am afraid to admit the cheating, especially the recent episode. I am more afraid of what my daughters would think of me. They would probably hate me and for what. I have so much to lose. Do I want an open and honest relationship with him? Not really. He takes advantage of that. He uses it against me. I don’t know if I want that with anyone right now. I need to work on what is going on with me and continue in my journey.

How did I become a co-dependent?

I have asked myself this question time and time again. How did I become a codependent? I believe that the biggest contributor to me becoming a codependent was denial. I never admitted that anything was wrong. I denied my feelings that there was anything that was not right. I denied that reality was just that, reality, and I kept telling myself that things were not wrong and I was just perceiving them as wrong. I know that this sounds crazy.

I never had the opportunity to develop my self esteem. I was always looking for everyone's approval. I continued to give and give and give, thinking that eventually I would be given approval of what a great job I had done. A codependent is use to having to work for their attention.

A narcissist is just the opposite. They create a false image of theirselves, just like the codependent does, but this person desperately need the attention and affection of others. They need that supply to maintain their self esteem. When they have received their supply of attention, they become the monster.

The narcissist creates anxiety. Their moods can swing one way or another in just a moments notice. They can go into a rage without warning and take it out on those around them that love them most. People around the narcissist are use to walking on egg shells. Because the codependent has made it a habit to deny their feelings and suppress them, they do not run from the urge they have to run.

This was just one step in being a codependent. There were many more steps involved as well.

Her Eyes

I saw it in her eyes
She had no more will to live
It seems it always ends this way
when you give more than you have to give

If there was just some way
that I could reach them all
I want so much to help
How can I hear their call?

She tried to tell just how things were
She showed it through her eyes
Now her hell on earth is over
to never see brighter days.

I wrote this in January of 1986.

There are so many people out there that are fighting the same battle today that I fought for so many years. I remember days that were so dark that all I wanted was to die because it hurt so much. Then there were the good days that followed after the painful days. Where things were wonderful and peaceful. He would give me gifts and treat me like a new bride. Then life would happen. The bills would come due with not enough to pay them. Kids would need things and we would have to choose between this or that. Eventually the pressure got more difficult to bear and the cycle would start again. Each cycle increases with intensity as the cycle phases grow closer together.

Impossible Choices

There are times that there are no win situations and living like this only gets worse as time goes on. At first he was just demanding more time. When I was taking care of our five kids, I was often overwhelmed because I didn't have any help. I asked for help with them and he would start shouting orders to the kids to do things. Often the chores he assigned were not age appropriate, like telling a two year old to take the kitchen trash outside when the bag was as big as the two year old and the dumpster is out back in the alley. It is no wonder there was a trail of trash all the way to the dumpster. I need the help of their father, not a drill sergeant shouting orders.

Eventually we became alienated from our family and friends. We didn't have people over to our house when he was home because we didn't know what might happen. We didn't visit the family either.

At first I thought that he loved me and he just wanted to spend time with me. He often threatened to leave only to unpack his bag as he lectured on how I made him so angry and that he only knew how to deal with me through his anger. I know that he didn't want to leave and as I said, I really thought he loved me. But later I discovered that it wasn't because he loved me that he was not wanting to leave, but he didn't want to leave because he didn't want to feel abandoned. He needed me there to do things for him and give him attention.

When the kids did something wrong and he got involved, he would discipline them. If I interfered because he was going overboard, he would then tell me that I had to choose between him and the kid. I couldn't have both as long as there was a kid in the house that would not obey him. What parent asks another parent to choose between them and their kids? This is a no win situation. If I choose him, although it would temporarily diffuse the situation but then he would hold that against me. What kind of mother would choose someone over their kids? He would lose respect for me.

He wanted control but when I gave him control, he lost respect. If I tried to take control, then he would find faults with the things that I did and demean the things I did.

He wanted me to choose him, and if I did, it was never enough.  If I didn't, then it was an unpardonable sin and he would berate me, calling me all sorts of names.

Relationships are full of compromises, but never should it be one sided with one partner calling all the shots and the other taking orders. When faced with impossible choices, it may be time to reassess the situation. Impossible choices will always be a no win situation.