Hi, It's been five days since my last confession

I am still pondering on the thought of once a co-dependent, always a co-dependent. I have been thinking of the Addiction Anonymous organizations. I have actually attended a few sessions here and there for different ones but was never ever able to feel like that was for me.

I remember as a child going through catechism school and how they taught us about confession. That's where I came up with this title - memories of confessing my many sins to this man in a box. I really thought that I was an awful sinner back then. Boy was I naive. I had no clue about life. But again, I didn't feel that this was what was my direction. I remember the sister/teacher telling me that I had to pray to my patron saint. She said that Saint Nicholas was my patron saint because that was the saint of children. I just couldn't figure out why I had to pray to a saint that would then go to the other of Jesus to talk about my requests. Mary would then talk to Jesus about my problems and Jesus would finally take my request to the Father who would then make a decision and let Jesus know to tell Mary to tell my patron saint to tell me the answer of my petition. I really thought that was a lot of extra work and decided to skip the middle man and go straight to the man in charge. It seemed to make sense to this little seven year old girl. I thought if I wanted something from my dad, I would ask my dad. If I wanted something from my Nana, I would ask her. Why not talk to the Creator of the world.

To this day, I feel that I have a direct line to God; although for many years through my own history, I feel that it has wavered. My love for God did not waiver, but my belief that we can petition Him directly instead of going through the chain of command.

I understand the chain of command and at work I will talk to my direct supervisor before I go above his head. If I have a problem with someone, I will go to them first before the supervisor. But I think where God is concerned, He is our direct link.

The blessings of co-dependency

I know it has been a long time since my last entry. My life has changed so much and it has changed me. I see things with a different perspective and I suppose when you start to look at your mortality, that is going to happen. I  have started looking at what I am leaving behind.

My first husband passed away and when cleaning up and going through his things, I started thinking the thought that is this all that life sums up to be. What is left behind?

I like my new position. It makes me feel like I am doing something that is worthwhile.

I thought I have broken the co-dependent cycle but I was talking to one of my coworkers about the recent empty nest I am experiencing. This co-worker and I have never talked about co-dependency and she knows very little about my life. I made the comment about how strange it was to not have my kids around. My house is so quiet now and there is not as much to do. I have always had a lot to do, sometimes overwhelming. It was then that she made that comment that I sounded like a co-dependent person, that I always needed something to take care of and nurture.

At that moment I realized that being a co-dependent was not something that you just 'get over'. I had thought that I had broken the cycle. And to some degree, maybe I have. I had left my first husband and moved in a different direction. But I started to wonder if I was really free of co-dependency. I may have left and moved on, but truly, my personality was still the same. I was still taking care of my son, actually doting on him the attention that I use to give all the kids. He wanted for nothing.

My personality is one of a nurturer. I will forever what to take care of someone or something. I think I need to embrace that idea and learn to use it for the better things. I don't think it is bad to be a co-dependent, just like ADHD is not a handicap.  I need to find the blessings of being co-dependent.