Friday, July 28, 2017

Crushed Heart of another survivor

I told him yesterday that I wanted a divorce. That was not the first time I told him. It was just that this time I was asking him if he would sign in agreement. We had a long emotional conversation in which I learned of his intense hatred towards me/for me because I did not want to have any more children after Noleen and that I went and got the IUD on my own. I cannot remember all of the details of that period of time, I just remember the deep hurt when he expressed his disappointment when we found out I was having a girl instead of a boy. That cut to the quick as did many other things.

It all makes sense now, his feelings towards me, the anger, the resentment, his feelings of powerlessness with me. I never intended on him feeling that way, I was trying to protect my own self too much of the time. It has been an ugly cycle of hurt and rejection and misunderstanding from the beginning and now the damage is done.

I now know that my feelings that he did not love me were dead on. He did not find me attractive or anything because of how he felt towards me. I am not angry, I am relived and hurt and wounded and ready to move on to healing all at the same time. To stay with him, even if I were to have his boy, would cause greater resentments and hurt in me, feeling that I had been used for another purpose other than he just loved me because I am me. I never had that with him. To just be loved. It was and still is, if I do this I can earn his love, if I do these specific things and make him happy, he will feel aroused for me. I am okay with being out of this very unhealthy and emotionally damaging relationship.

I have the day off and I am going to research how to get my divorce petition written up. If I had the money I would pay the lawyer and go from there. I do not have the whole $750 plus $500 for filing fees. I need for God to provide.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Narcissus, The man, the myth, the legend

There once was a deity in Greek mythology who was a very handsome hunter. His beauty was known and appreciated by many.

His father was known as Cephissus, a God of the river. He was strong and bold as the Boeotia river that flows through Attica in Central Greece. He was considered brave and strong just like the ravenous river that he was god of his reign.

Cephissus' parents, Pontus, a sea god of the Black Sea, and Thalassa, also known as Nepture and a sea goddess in her own right were known by many in their time. As typical of many children that are born of over bearing gods that have given too much privilege to their offspring without responsibility or accountability, this god was just as spoiled. He was cared for to the extent that he could no longer see the needs of others and desired to feed his own needs exclusively. This river god, Cephissus, believed that he could have anything his heart, or flesh, desired.

There was a daughter of a lesser known river god that took Cephissus' breath away. He thought of this beautiful flower often and was consumed by his need to have her. He looked upon her beauty until he could no longer suppress the strength of his needs and so he took Liriope who was so beautiful to behold. Her name meant Face of the Narcissus, and she was as beautiful as the lilys that bloom.

Time passed and this beautiful flower delivered a beautiful baby boy. This boy grew to be more handsome and strong. He was proud of his looks and his strength. So proud that he began to disdain those around him that loved him. He deserved so much more than their adoration.

There was a woman named Echo who fell deeply in love with Narcissus. His looks were beyond anything she had ever seen ever. She followed him as she could not take her eyes off of him. He sensed her following him and called out to her. Eventually Echo revealed herself to him and told him how he was the most handsome man she had ever seen and she attempted to embrace him. Narcissus would have no part of it and pulled away from her. He chastised her and broke her heart as there was no other that she could love as she does him. She lived the rest of her life in loneliness and misery, pining away for his affection.

Narcissus was sought after by male suitors as well. This particular young man was discarded like so many before him. This time, Narcissus gave him a sword in which the young man used to kill himself on the doorstep. He prayed to the gods to teach Narcissus a lesson for all the pain that he had caused to many.

Nemesis was a vicious goddess of revenge and she learned of the pain that Narcissus was causing people with his beauty. She decided that he needed to be taught a lesson and punished for the pain he inflicted on so many. She lured him by a pond that was as clear as a mirror, reflecting his image back at him. He noticed that reflection and immediately fell in love with his own reflection. He starred at himself for a long time and upon realizing that this love that he felt for his own image could never be reciprocated in return, Narcissus decided to take his own life for he could not see how he could exist.

It is this end that was foretold by Teiresias to his parents when they desired to know of his future. He told them that Narcissus would only grow old provided that 'he did not get to know himself'. According to legend, Narcissus is still admiring himself in the underworld where he can long for the attention of his reflection but never receive the love and admiration of that reflection.



There are things in life that wound me. One thing that has wounded me in my marriage is sex. Such a beautiful, tender, lovely, warm and exciting thing...designed to bring two people together laced with intimacy and connection and the deepest, warmest feelings can cut like a razor and lacerate when something is missing.

Intimacy and connection have been missing all of my marriage. I didn't know what it was at first, I just knew that I had such deep pain from day one. I wanted an annulment the second day and I realized I could not get one. Then three months later, I decided I would just divorce. I decided that I could not do it anymore. Then the next day I found out I was pregnant with Biggie and cried and cried because it, this new event was going to complicate my plans.

I am glad I have stayed this long but staying any longer is going to do more damage to me than good. I am hurting in so many ways that I thought I had stopped hurting. I thought the wounds were done and over with, healed and I had accepted and was just going on. But they have not. They are still there, they still happen over and over like a stabbing knife and I know why I keep going back to get hurt. My desire for connection and intimacy is greater than my fear of the pain.

I go back to him for sex, but I am looking for a deep emotional connection. I am looking for love that just is not going to happen. I am looking for something that will last and flourish. I am looking for the water in the desert only to find it is a shining mirage.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Can he change?

You will be the sun and moon to this person. You will be their hero. But with that privilege comes a great responsibility. They will keep you on the pedestal so long as you keep up with the things that they need from you. You once thought that this pedestal was a good place to be and knew that you will one day get the appreciation that you deserve for selflessly giving up of yourself. You smile at the insults because you know that he really doesn't mean what he says. He is just frustrated with stress. You are thrown off balance by his gifts and finally realize that most of those gifts are just things that he liked, not necessarily things that you liked, such as clothes or perfumes that he wanted you to wear. He buys you gifts that he wants, like maybe a kayak or two. You begin to wonder where the benefit is for you in staying in this relationship and you begin to pull away.

As you pull away, he begins to devalue you and drain you. Often he disappears or gives you the silent treatment. He took you off the pedestal and you don't know what happened to make him so evil towards you. The answer to that is that you are no longer giving him the supply of admiration that he wants. You are no longer building him up as you once did earlier in the relationship.

You find that he has another supply of admiration and he goes to her for that support. She tells him how handsome he is and how smart and clever. She tells him how she understands and needs him and only she can fill this void he has. She gives him the admiration that he so craves and tells him how he is doing the right thing. He would eat up the attention that she is giving him because he is selfish. He needs that more than anything else in the world.

When she begins to get tired of filling this need, she may become a little more distant and start telling him that he needs to get help or something that he considers as being less than perfect. He cannot handle being less than perfect. He needs someone to affirm that he is right and he is great. He comes back to his old source of validation and praise. In his mind, he has punished her enough and she will be happy to have him back by her side and will fulfill his need for praise.

Don't do it. Don't take him back. The cycle will not change. He will not change. As hard as it is to do, stay with NO CONTACT. Be thankful for the other source of validation that he has. It is this other source that will give you the time to heal. Don't let him come back to you. He may try. But eventually he will return to the other supply or find another. You are worth so much more than that. You are strong and amazing and your light can shine for others.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Chaotic timing

I just had that dream that I posted in the previous entry. I just found a piece of writing that was assigned to us in the San Joaquin Valley Writing Project. We were to describe our lives. I compared mine to a circus.

My life is a circus. It is a constant performance, and I am juggling various acts.
Johnny hasn’t had his breakfast, Willi needs help with homework, Caitlyn is dressing the chickens, Kenny shoes are untied, Michael has disappeared (again), Sean is chasing the cat, Brent is scaring the younger kids, Kevin is complaining (always complaining).

How do I keep up with all of these children?

I walk across the sawdust ground and look up to see the high flying trapeze acts. I am mesmerized.
These are my days of navigating the legos on the floor and washing clothes and feeding children. I am amazed at the disasters these kids come up with.

How do they think of all the things that they do?

I am the ringmaster of my life. I am in charge. I take the whip in my hand and control everything around me that I am capable of controlling.
I am no longer at the mercy of a someone’s whim. I know that I can walk away if it is what is best for me. I no longer  submit myself to someone else’s morals.

How could I have been so gullible?

As I walk across the tightrope, I have no fear for I have a safety net to catch me when I fall. I know that I am not invincible and this net is there for a reason.
The safety net I have is that of my family and friends who are there to support me when it is necessary and help to celebrate my successes.

How could I survive without my loved ones?

I keep the circus within alive, always going, always smiling, not taking life too seriously,
I know that it will work out in the end. I smile at the little things, enjoy the experiences and when the circus tents are packed up and leaving, I will miss the days of the hustle and bustle of our circus days.

How I miss those wonderful days.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Chaotic dream - Just like real life

As we were getting our children ready to go to a conference, I struggled with getting all of them bathed and dressed. My husband was sitting in the car waiting for us to 'get our act together' and his frustration was obvious. We finally made our way to the car. I noted that my beautiful hair that I had worked on earlier was now a disheveled mess. I struggled to put it back together as we made it to a parking lot. My husband disappeared. I looked around and I was struggling to get all of our things together. Gracefully (not), I kept dropping things as they slipped from my hands. My arms became more full as the moments passed. I looked towards the direction that we had to walk to get inside the conference. It was a very long walk and really it looked vaguely familiar but mostly different like I had not been there before. There were drivers of trams offering to drive the participants to this particular conference and since I was a bit unsure of where I was going exactly, I caught a ride. I knew that once I got there, all things would be clear and I would know where I am at and how to get back to the car. I was still struggling with all the things I was carrying. As the tram continued on the journey from the parking lot to the conference door, more people boarded and still nothing looked familiar. I overheard some people talking about the price of the entrance to the event and was wondering if I had enough money. I ran into someone who gave me an envelope for some work or participation that I was involved in. I didn't open the envelope because I was still having a hard time holding onto everything. As we got closer and I was looking for my envelope to see if I had enough to pay for the trip, I found that I had lost it. I dropped everything and started to pick it up and found some tickets that would pay for the entrance. It seemed that those tickets belonged to someone else but I still hung onto them as I had no other way to get in. I saw my husband in the distance. He was socializing with friends and had a big smile on his face. I was frustrated with trying to get there and dropping things as I went. I looked down at my feet and noticed that now I had lost my beautiful shoes. Where did they go? I just had them on.

This was my dream last night. It was such a typical chaotic event that was something that we all experienced all too often. It seemed that I was always struggling to keep things together, make appearances that all was wonderful, and living up to the expectations that I tended to fall short of on every occasion. In a way it feels that not much has changed. I am still trying to make sense of all the things that are falling apart around me. I am taking care of the mundane tasks of tying up all the lose ends that my husband has left behind. The nice things out of all this is that this will hopefully be the last time that I have to clean up after him.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Family Rules

It is very exhausting to keep all these rules in mind, but it does make for a somewhat peaceful life. Or does it?
  • Never publicly embarrass him or do silly things that most kids do like pee on the lawn of the church or drink out of the gutter after a heavy rain.
  • Do not point out anything they do, say, are, that might be anything other than perfect. He has the experience that we do not have and does not be questioned. When we are more experienced, then we will understand.
  • Never compare them to someone else in an unflattering light. He is nothing like anyone else and it is best not to confuse the two or compare.
  • Do not talk to them about your negative feelings in response to anything they have said or done. Your feelings need to be educated and you need to accept the lesson he has give us.
  • Avoid getting angry or upset with them for anything. He was put in our life to make us better human beings.
  • Do not outshine them in some way. You can pursue your dreams but do not surpass. If you surpass him, then you will have to be bested in another way.
  • Listen to anything they say. Everything has meaning. If it wasn't important, then he would not have said it.
  • Mirror everything they say. You need to emulate him in all actions because that is the best and most efficient way to be.
  • Act as if everything he says and does is brilliant and you appreciate and admire him at all times because he is the authority.
  • Never criticize the leader of the family. We are under his umbrella of authority and to criticize him would be to take the risk of no longer being under his protection.
  • What happens in this house in private stays in this house and stays private. Do not ever discuss anything whatsoever to anyone about anything.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

How to tell the end is near in your relationship?

I think back to our three decade relationship and try to find the warning signs. Some of the most recent signs were when the relationship was coming to an end. It was not until there was a source of attention that these signs started showing, but when they did show up, the end was very near.

He gave us less of his attention and became very cold and distant. Often when we went out for dinner, he was on his phone either texting or on social media.

We started to irritate him even with the activities that we once enjoyed. Our costal drives and talks now became silent and often just disagreements and fighting.

We were never good enough. Everything we did was criticized.

He was bored and had no problem displaying how boring we were to him.

We were always walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Our opinions did not matter. Whatever we said was uneducated. It was his idea or no idea.

He refused to listen to anything we said.
He would respond to our comments with questions, refusing to acknowledge anything or answer any questions.
He would walk out of our lives and refuse to talk to us for days on end. One of the kids when very young use to count how many weeks it had been since their dad talked to them.
He projected everything he did onto us. We were told we didn't care, that we were not listening to him, that we had turned others against him. 

If you see the warning signs then plan your exit. What can you lose out of being prepared? If things actually work out, which I tend to doubt, then you are more independent. If you get out, then you will be glad you had a plan. Without the plan, where would we be?

How did I get here?

They were out of town and heading home. It was a day like any other day. Stopping at a favorite brewery, she looked for a nearby hotel to stay the night. Traveling home is going to be extremely difficult. She paid the bill and waited for him to return from the restroom. A man came up to her and touched her elbow. "I hate to bother you." She turned thinking it was someone trying to hit on her. "Excuse me, but I think that the man that was with you is in the restroom and needs your help." I thank him as I fear the worst possible outcome. I rush to the restroom only to find him passed out on the toilet. It truly was a day just like any other. Maybe with him passed out it would be much easier to just drive home. He will probably sleep the entire trip home.

So tired and at the urging of the man at the bar who took the money for their bill, she decides to stay at a local hotel and then head home in the morning.

She stopped at the hotel, paid for the room and carefully got him up to the room. He was irritable as he often is when he drinks. She got him to bed and silenced his cell phone. She had been calling and texting him constantly. You would think that her marriage would suffer from all the time she spends with him, but her wife seems to be good with it.

He woke up angry and yelling at her. He started yelling "RAPE" and she placed her hand over his mouth to stop his screaming. He continued yelling so she took a pillow to place it over his face to muffle the sound. He kept screaming and thrashing. It was at this moment that she thought how easy it would be to suffocate him. It was at that moment that she realized that she had to get out. She was losing herself in this situation. She no longer felt that she was herself.

The police were called. This was the second time this month that they were called out on him. She was so thankful that she hadn't smothered him now. The fact that she even let the thought cross her mind told her that it was time for her to move on or she would not survive.

What can happen if you stand up to him?

Fear is different for everyone but the narcissist's fear is not the same. They are not necessarily afraid of you unless you have some evidence to be able to prove your side of the story. If you have been controlled by someone for a while and then finally stand up for yourself, they may react as the victim now. This is only another way of controlling the situation. They have pushed you until they have a reaction and now they can play the victim and project everything on you. 
Getting you to react was the goal, as now they can play victim of the big, bad wolf. Again, they do not fear you when you stand up to them unless you have information that will support your claims. They are generally confident and like a big upset bear, but when faced with direct confrontation, they can crumble and it becomes a game to destroy the victim with talking about them, lying to others about them, projecting what they did to their victim as though they were the one that received the abuse.
Run from them and absolutely - Go no contact. If you have no contact then you will take away the fuel that they will have to use against you. 

Do not engage with them unless you have hard evidence. The only thing this type of person fears is being exposed. They don't fear you, they fear that people may believe you. When you talk to people, they don't want to hear the cold facts, they are listening to the sob, emotional story. So really it is a mistake to talk to others about your controller unless you are willing to go through the court system and that is emotionally draining. 

An attorney told me recently that they are representing more and more cases that involve a narcissist. I asked if these situations were becoming more known or if there were truly more incidents out there. The response was that there appears to be more narcissists out there and that we have a generation of entitled people out there that has helped to develop these people. 

This type of person is not going to fear you for standing up to them. They do not feel in the same way that we would expect them to feel. They are more concerned with their supply, their next fix. Just like a drug, that is what controls their actions.  Get free of them as soon as you can and move on.