She has spent her entire adult life doubting herself. This invader consumed everything she did. It had all the power over her. It kept her in the same place and did not allow her to pursue the things that she really wanted. It created fear of trying something new because failure would mean that she would be reprimanded severely. It left her confused at every turn and full of shame. But she held this doubt close to her like a warm cozy blanket that was familiar. The worse part of this invader was that it caused her to second guess her relationship and was she right in leaving. Should she have clung to him longer?
This doubt was a symptom of the disease of codependency that she was a victim of. She played over the same situations trying to second guess how she could have made things better. She did not realize that she was full of doubt. She was so overwhelmed that it was no wonder that she didn't know it consumed her.
Some of the things that she looks back on that if she would have realized it back then, she would have seen the doubt. She never put herself first. She always put the needs of her family and him before her own needs. Ok, I am not saying that it is wrong to put your family first, but do not do it at the cost of your own self. She viewed herself as small and not important.
She finally saw the perfection as it really became. If everything was perfect then there would be no violence. But really, that was not her fault that he came unglued on her and her children. It was him. She procrastinated all the time. She didn't want to face it so put it off. She needed those around her to approve of her and to compliment the things she did.
Finally, she refused to leave the toxic relationship. She wore it like a a warm jacket. She clung to it like it was comfortable and enjoyable, when really she was afraid of change. She was going to be a prisoner if she did not slay the dragon once and for all. She has finally put this dragon to rest and so can you.
Slay that dragon once and he will never have power over you again.” – Steven Pressfield