Dreams

I am beginning to believe that when you have a spouse that dies when you have been in a very controlling environment, that the dynamics of your feelings will change. Let me explain . . .

I have not seen my husband more than once in two years and that time was in the courtroom. We did not speak to one another and I am unaware if he even looked my way more than a glance. I was not paying any attention to him. I brought one of those adult coloring books and pens and sat there for the hours that we were there, coloring.

When I left the courtroom I didn't feel any different even though everything appeared to be done. Now all we had to do was sign on the dotted line. I worked with my attorney and got all the stipulations in order then we sent it to his attorney for him to sign. I got a message from him that he had a mess to clean up but he would get back to me.

Later I found he spent a little time in jail and lost his job. I had wondered if he had hit bottom and was ready to get it all together. After all, once you hit bottom, like the prodigal son, you decide that it is much better at father's table where it is warm and the food is comforting.

It was not much later that I discovered he had died at home alone. He was not going to sign the divorce papers. He was never going to apologize for anything he did. He was never going to make things right. I would never hear from him that he appreciated anything that I had done. Those dreams are gone and I will never get them back. But that is going to have to be ok.

My feelings are so complicated. He is gone and will not hurt me or our kids again, but he will never make things right either. I miss the dreams I thought we were going accomplish. I miss the good man that we occasionally saw. I don't miss the ups and downs. I don't miss having to defend myself or kids. I don't miss the drama.