Friday, May 5, 2017

You asked for it, you got it

I spent years in denial that anything was wrong. I denied myself the feelings that were so deep in my heart. I questioned even my memories. I did not trust anyone. I did not realize that, in truth, I was as dysfunctional as my partner. I wanted love and thought that by taking care of someone that I would receive love.

I remember one day when I was questioning the love of my narcissist partner. Truly he must love me. We were together for so many years and had several children together. We had our ups and downs, but everyone does. I loved him so very much and thought that there must be something wrong with me otherwise he would show that he love me. I started to believe that maybe that is just how men are, that all men 'loved' the way this man 'loved' me. Maybe I was wanting something more than was even humanly possible. All the while I was questioning his love and thinking something was wrong wit me, my self esteem kept plummeting. I got to the point that I was so afraid of making a wrong decision and having to pay for it later. The thing is, it didn't matter what the decision was. I could be punished for making the same choice one time and ignored later. There was no consistency. It all depended on his emotions at the time.

Tiptoeing as though I was walking on eggshells was a way of life. I was always anxious and waiting for the other shoe to drop. A dear friend confronted me and said, 'You are in a toxic relationship. Get out!'

Again, I was in denial. We just had a little argument. Nothing much.  Besides I probably did something wrong to provoke it. I may have said something wrong or forgot to do something. Who knows?

I didn't realize it. I couldn't see it.

1 comment:

  1. Of course you couldn't see it. He was not capable of loving anyone, not even himself. He was full of self-hatred which spilled over onto others. I understand where you are coming from, thinking you were always the bad guy, the one in the wrong. But now you are beginning to see that you were not in the wrong. It was impossible to please him. God knows, you tried. From where I stand, you gave it your very best. He knew this, dear one, which is why he would lash out, knowing he was so undeserving.