It has been so long since I opened this blog to write. I have spent the past few months trying to heal. I have been taking the steps to be an independent person that is not bound by low self-esteem. I didn't start out a co-dependent person, or did I?
At a very early age, I learned to read the room that I was in. What I mean by this is that I learned to be able to determine if things were going to be relatively safe around me and I was always looking for an exit plan. I continued that mindset in my marriage because I never knew when things were going to blow up. I would evaluate responses to questions and base my answers on the outcome that I believed it would bring. It didn't matter what I wanted or needed, or so I thought. My believe was that there was something wrong with me so I tried to not feel anything. Eventually I became very efficient without letting what I wanted or needed become an issue. I told myself things like, "When I get myself fixed, then I will be able to work towards the things that I want and need."
I always told myself that I was the one that needed fixing. I finally realized why I always felt that way. I knew that there was no way that I would be able to fix someone else, and as long as I shouldered the blame of being the one that needed fixing, I could work towards a life without all the drama. I can fix me. I can't fix him.
There have been times in the past few months since my entry that I have just sat there in the quiet to let myself feel. I know this sounds a bit weird. Why on earth would someone want to feel the pain that I was feeling? Well, I began to study the pain. What triggered it? Why did I feel a certain way? I know that by giving myself permission to feel, that I would somehow get in touch with my feelings again. I had hidden my feelings for years and did not allow myself that luxury. Now was the time to let the tears flow, let the anger rage, let my mind swirl, and just let go. I got this advice from others that had been through similar situations. I thought it was crazy advice, but I am so glad that I did it because now I allow myself to feel and I can deal with situations as they come up that make me 'feel bad'.
I have more to say and it feels good to be back. To be writing again. Thank you for reading.
That does not sound weird, this letting yourself feel. While it is not a good thing to make major decisions based on our feelings, it is most decidedly a good thing to BE ABLE TO FEEL. It is very free-ing, isn't it? I can remember a time when I was what the world calls a "cutter." I would slice into my arms and wrists in order to feel the physical pain. The emotional pain of betrayal was too hard to bear, and the pain of cutting and seeing the blood lessened the inner pain--for awhile. Only for awhile. Then it would come back with a vengeance.
ReplyDeleteFeelings are wonderful things, I am so thankful you are beginning to claim your own. I have learned to take my pain to God in worship. As I worship Him He can slip in the backdoor and HEAL me. Because my focus is on Him, He can work on me.