I am feeling weird. For the first time in my life I feel like I am making some progress in my emotional healing. I guess there are many unaddressed issues. He brought it up to me that everything is not ok on his end with me. He mentioned something about me not wearing his ring and I said I was not going to until he apologized. Then he started saying some things about me always laying down the law and him feeling like a whipped puppy and I’m holding the newspaper. That is not the case. But I do feel like I need to have the upper hand because I am afraid of him controlling me.
I am still afraid of him abusing me. I am still afraid that I will become comfortable with him and that he will start the verbal abuse again or I will just get used to it again as soon as I let down my guard.
I believe that I love him. I know that I care about him. I want to work on our marriage. I didn’t know that having a love relationship and a partner would be such an emotionally treacherous journey. I wonder if it would be like this if I were with someone else.
I want to keep confronting the things in my life that I feel are bothering me or stopping me in my growth. I kind of hold back at group therapy when he is there. I feel afraid to address the things about him because I don’t really know how to address them. I can only bring things up that I am aware of. There are probably so many things within myself that I am unaware of.
Like this issue with my daughter. She has been acting difficult and angry and I feel alone in my parenting. He doesn’t see that part it just seems like he relishes in the fact that she is angry at me maybe because he identifies with it. I wonder if I should even say anything. What is going to happen is I am going to shut down to him again and look for a way out. That’s what I always do when I feel trapped and cornered. I don’t want to keep on doing that. I want to settle down and be happy.
Why do I even entertain the thought of going to lunch with this other man? Am I still not happy in my marriage that I would look at that? I guess I don’t trust that my marriage or my relationship with him will really pan out. It never has and I don’t have anything to go off of except the fact that he is going to counseling and seems to be trying. I don’t even feel like going out to dance and drink and put myself out there. I feel like curling into a comfortable ball and just being me.
I guess I need to address the issue of me cheating with him. I don’t know why I did that. I guess if I keep asking ‘why’ I will keep on defending my position. Maybe if I just tell him he will just hate me and get away from me. I did it for the same reasons I have always done it – trade sex for a feeling of love. I always equated it with love, just to have those moments of feeling like I am the center of someone’s world and I am important to them, so important that everything stops – time, appointments, distractions, whatever. But then it ends and life goes on.
I still need God. I need Him in my soul. I feel like I am rushing to get some type of answer by going to church. Maybe I should go to church somewhere else so I can go on this journey alone.
I am afraid to admit the cheating, especially the recent episode. I am more afraid of what my daughters would think of me. They would probably hate me and for what. I have so much to lose. Do I want an open and honest relationship with him? Not really. He takes advantage of that. He uses it against me. I don’t know if I want that with anyone right now. I need to work on what is going on with me and continue in my journey.