There are things in life that wound me. One thing that has wounded me in my marriage is sex. Such a beautiful, tender, lovely, warm and exciting thing...designed to bring two people together laced with intimacy and connection and the deepest, warmest feelings can cut like a razor and lacerate when something is missing.
Intimacy and connection have been missing all of my marriage. I didn't know what it was at first, I just knew that I had such deep pain from day one. I wanted an annulment the second day and I realized I could not get one. Then three months later, I decided I would just divorce. I decided that I could not do it anymore. Then the next day I found out I was pregnant with Biggie and cried and cried because it, this new event was going to complicate my plans.
I am glad I have stayed this long but staying any longer is going to do more damage to me than good. I am hurting in so many ways that I thought I had stopped hurting. I thought the wounds were done and over with, healed and I had accepted and was just going on. But they have not. They are still there, they still happen over and over like a stabbing knife and I know why I keep going back to get hurt. My desire for connection and intimacy is greater than my fear of the pain.
I go back to him for sex, but I am looking for a deep emotional connection. I am looking for love that just is not going to happen. I am looking for something that will last and flourish. I am looking for the water in the desert only to find it is a shining mirage.