For most of my own life, I lived in a constant state of denial. I didn't realize this until recently. I refused to believe that there was anything wrong. I was very content with the way things were even though it was not a pretty situation. I would work hard at keeping things peaceful and when there was a fight, I would blame myself. If I had planned for every possibility, then there would have been no reason to be yelled at. I must have done something to set him off. Because of my low self-esteem, I did not realize my own worth. Willingly, I accepted all the blame and responsibility of whatever was wrong. This came from a lifetime of conditioning that if something was wrong, then it was my fault. My parents fought and I blamed myself. When they divorced, like many children, I thought if I was a better daughter they would still be together.
I liked my fairy tale that I was living in where everything was perfect. For whatever reason, I was totally addicted to this man and I would do anything to not have to face the truth. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of having to raise five children by myself. I was afraid of not having enough money. I was so afraid of so many things.
I think back on how I felt and how afraid I was. I wonder why I never drew the line in the sand and stood up to him. I would give in to anything he wanted. Not because I wanted it, but because I didn't want to displease him. I wanted him to love me and most of all, I wanted him to one day realize how important I was to him. This was something that was never going to happen no matter how hard I tried.